Fade to grey

Back to work. But left early. Glad I did. The boy was tired and fell asleep soon after my normal time for coming home.

Work was hard. Couldn't concentrate for anything other than short periods and even then not on anything difficult. Told my boss the situation and agreed that I will work Weds and Thurs but then have until the end of the following week off. Glad to be able to finish a mid-afternoon meeting and then go home.

The boy was looking tired and finding even the simplest things an effort. And he's now not always able to hold himself up properly, even when sitting on the floor. He is easily over-balanced. And the left-sided palsy means he can't easily stop himself tipping over.

But he was happy to see me and for us to go upstairs while I got changed out of my suit. I sat him on the bed whilst I did so. I brought him the washing basket to put the clothes in, since he can no longer do it. He was happy to throw the clothes in.

We then went to his room to play. Little panda needed yet another blood test and dressing change. Was nice quiet time together deciding what things needed to go into the tray. Getting stuff from the cupboard. Him telling me what order to do things. Him making me wear gloves - he thought it very amusing that with sweaty hands I struggled for ages to get them on. And once the dressing is on, he said I had to draw a face on it (a nurse once did this last year). Eyes, mouth, ears, chin, nose and hair. He seemed to approve of the results.

We then went downstairs to watch TV as he looked washed out. After half an hour he fell asleep and we put him to bed. And so I sit, typing and watching him. His breathing has become shallow but not yet erratic. The wife is on the phone to find out what, if anthing, we do when the next step in decline happens - his breathing will becone erratic, especially at night. This will happen as the tumour afftects his automatic breathing centre. But we hope he is unlikely to notice it happening. Nevertheless, we've ordered some medicine to help and a pack of palliative medicine which I will collect from the hospital tomorrow.

They don't tell you this at ante-natal classes.