Saturday, 18 August 2007

Bastard 97 made me do it

(that's me in the corner)

The boy slept in but you wouldn't have known it. And in the afternoon, I went out for the first time since May 06. But the boy overshadows everything.

The boy had a decent lie in. But woke up as if he had a short sleep. Cheerful but easily upset. He was still iin bed when Z's mother came round. He was happy for her to come to his bedroom whilst he got dressed. Happy for her to have coffee and then leave. But very, very unhappy when I told him we had to take the train to go to the hospital for his antibiotic. Flung himself on the floor for 20 mins. After trying to cajole him for a while, I gave up an hung up the washing and prepared the buggy. He told me he had been crying when I collected him to leave. All the way to the station it was "no train, no train, I no like trains". But one on the train he was fine. Refused to get out of the buggy in the hospital but once we left it was "no home, no home". So we looked at the big trains in the mainline station for a while before going home.

After doing handover with the wife, I went off to a boat party. My first time out for the year - since May last year. Felt very guilty for doing it. For abandoning the boy. Felt a bit fish out of water when I got there. What was I doing going somewhere I had only met two people once before? And more two years ago at that After an awkward hour, I got to talking to a few people and enjoyed it. But as time went on thought more and more about the boy. Too uncomfortable to be there. So left early.


Andy said...

It's very difficult to express everything else that I feel when I read this, so I'll just leave this with a simple and short note to say I'm glad to have met you.

Celebritymurderparty said...

We never got the chance to meet at Gyboat but having read your blog i wish i'd known you were there and taken some time to come over and say hi. I really can't imagine what you must be going through, but i'd just like to say that all of our thoughts are with you.

Thomas, as told to Sarah said...

Saying, "My toddler kid has cancer" is a bit of a downer at parties.

Living In Cancer must be like being deployed in Iraq. Even trying to tell someone where you have come from makes their faces twist up and their bodies fold: "Oh, my god - Really?!?"

Yes, really. Now hand me that whiskey before I smack you.

sorry; projecting a bit perhaps

eve massacre said...

I can only repeat what Andy said. Reading all this just leaves me in awe for how strong you and your wife are and although I'm aware one cannot wipe such a feeling away just like that. let me say: you have no reason whatsoever to feel guilty, you are doing all that you can and more than many other people would be able to do in such a situation. Lots of love, hope to meet you again, eve

Tim said...

Glad to have met you (briefly), I didn't know a lot of this this was going on (I knew your son was ill, but not this level).

But please don't feel guilty - you can't stop living, and you need time away for yourself too? Although like the others I can't even imagine what this is like, I do know taking care of yourself is important.