Sunday, 27 May 2007

The way it is with dreams

Really in two minds about the way forward for the boy - treatment or no treatment? Meanwhile, life goes on.

Uncertainty about what to do not helped by being absolutely exhausted. Hard week, hard news, hard times.

Funny how work and non-work can go in sync. Just as all the bad news about the boy has hit, work has become harder than ever. For the first time in a very long while, I have been waking up tired. Unlike the wife, I have always been a morning person. The time when I am most alert and clearest in my own mind. This last week I've felt groggy on waking and needing an hour and a very large coffee to come to.

The boy is ok. He hadn't quite had enough sleep, so he veered between cheeriness and unexpected stroppiness. He was very sweet when auntie rang to invite us over, throwing his arms in the air and cheering then running off to get ready. The next minute he was in floods of tears, throwing himself in the floor. All because I wanted him to wear new shoes. Nothing too awful for a child of three but I could just have done without it.

Stayed out for a while to give the wife some time to rest and review the material about the chemo regimes to allow us to decide what to do next. Returned weary but just about holding it together. Met with a barrage of chemo statistics and facts when I got the boy inside and was tring to take his shoes off and put the trike away. Eventually, had to beg her to stop. She was on such a roll that I ended up almost pleading with her before she got the message.

By the evening I was hanging on and desperately counting down the time until he went to bed. He did his favourite jigsaw over and over again. I didn't mind. Was almost a pleasure to be left alone to cook dinner. Tried to make it special as it was our wedding anniversay. Had bought champagne and presents. But not in much of a mood to enjoy it. Went to bed as soon as I was able. So hard to see beyond the daily grind.

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