Saturday, 19 May 2007

Nothing at all

My weekend day with the boy. It was fairly quiet and uneventful. I should be glad really. But I was bored.

Time with the boy is either stressful beyond belief - he's in hospital or about to be. Or it's so dull - we are at home but he's not well enough to do anything much and so we stay in a tight orbit of a quarter of a mile from the house. I know I've said this before (and that I am entirely dislikeable for saying it - but hey I detest me too) but it doesn't make it feel any less real. And I know I get to go to work in the week, so it's not as if I am as limited as the wife who looks after him almost six days a week. But she mostly enjoys time with the boy. He's very sweet but it is still boring.

All of this was triggered off by my mother who came over on Friday. Well meaning but sometimes thoughtless, she asked what we were doing at the weekend? Nothing I said. You must be doing something she said. No I said. We didn't do anything last weekend. We aren't doing anything this weekend. And if he stays out of hospital, we won't do anything next weekend. I could have screamed all this at her. But it's not her fault, so I tried to restrain my temper.

There's never any simple stuff with the boy. He was happy and broadly good tempered with peach fuzzy hair. Good? Well, yes and no. No, because it is smack-in-the-face evidence that he's not on any treatment. Chemo makes him cranky and lose his hair. Who knows what is happening with the tumour now? When will we get the second opinion from the US? By what percentage do his chances decline each day? How much time is left? And, I'm wasting my time left with the boy with all this agonising. Pathetic really.

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