Sunday, 4 March 2007

Leave me with the boy

Another chemo course finished. One more and then the scan.

The boy has finished his second course of Etoposide. His last blood results were ok for this stage in the cycle. But he seems worn and eyelashes falling out are making his bad eye permanently bloodshot.

Next week he has a review by the oncologist and blood test. All being well he will start on his final course at the end of the week. And the next scan at the end of the month.

Notwithstanding his blood results he has need some oxygen support for part of the past few nights and for all of the night before last. A perpetual worry.

Yesterday, saw a friend and her son for the first time since early November. Since then either we've been in hospital or they've had coughs or colds that have ruled out meeting up. First time for the boy to meet another child this year. Didn't look good for a while. The boy refused to come to the door. Refused to say hello and wanted me to give him a cuddle while he sat on a chair. Then the other boy picked up his Thomas the Tank Engine model and my boy was off to rescue it. This seemed to reconnect them and they played happily, if not together, with a range of toys. Luckily they didn't stay too long.

Was nice for me to meet another adult out of work who isn't the wife. She said I was angry. Probably right. Much is the disappointment about the slow decline of the relationship with the wife. She hasn't really asked me about me or even about work for so long (18 months?). It's all about the boy's health, needs and day. Only time it comes up is periodic outbursts by me which are so full of fury they frighten her. Then it subsides and we return to not discussing my fraying state of mind - as long as I can bring in the cash and do the childcare.

All compounded by me reciprocating this behaviour since the period just before the boy's operations in November and December last year. I realise I rarely ask how she is. And if I do have little time or patience to listen to the answers. I rely on her having weekly sessions with the psychologist or spasmodic evenings with friends.

I no longer have sufficient energy to deal with her needs. They are a poor third behind the boy and work. Sadly, this is the only way I have been able to resolve the twin pressures of work and the boy without risking going off the deep end as I did in autumn 2006. But it is an upsetting state of affairs.

1 comment:

Thomas, as told to Sarah said...

Cancer is the deep end, isn't it?

Our marriage had seen better years as well. I think all cancer people are angry. Who wouldn't be? It's so hard to match your grief up to a co-care-giver's schedule, and then one has to arrange the anger around that person as well.

When hubby was still working, I'd have maybe one day out of the hospital for a week. I'd come back somewhat energized and he'd be so weak and sad. I'd watch him cry and want to clobber him. "I'm feeling BETTER FOR FIVE SECONDS - LEAVE ME ALONE!" I'd think.

After a while, we realized we both felt that way sometimes. We started saying "Crying is boring" when one of us was just telling a story and crying - meaning we didn't expect the other to join in on the emotions at the moment.

Things are looking up between us now, but then, so is T. I can't imagine bearing up under the pressure for as long as y'all have.

Grace, grace, and peace to you.