Wednesday, 10 October 2007

More than a feeling

The grief cycle: Shock, Denial, Anger And Guilt, Despair And Depression and Acceptance.

I know in my head he's dead. I was there when it happened. I felt him cold. I was there when the doctor certified him. I was there when the undertakers came to take him. But in my heart I can't believe it. We spent so long working to avoid it, nursing him through one chest infection after the other, through one course of treatment after the other. He can't really be gone. We can't really have failed. He must be here somewhere.

It is like waves on the shore. The realisation crashes in on you, then there is a period of numbed calm whilst the next wave draws itself up before breaking over you.


Erik said...

You and the wife didn't fail.

You both succeeded in making the boy feel loved and cared for every day of his life.

Any child would be blessed to have parents like you.

Steve said...

You didn't fail, you and your wife did an excellent job, and the boy knew he was loved and cherished right to the end. No-one could have done better.


sarah's_mom said...

I want to scream "YOU didn't fail" .... but as a parent of a mother of a baby with ependymoma, I do understand this thought process. I too am overwhelmed with the extreme dispair of "I can't fix this" for my baby and her baby. So totally sucks. Totally. Please, take solace in the smiles he shared with you ...the joy in the little things he showed you .... the moments. All of them. Will be thinking you and the wife with deepest sympathies as you get through this most difficult day.