The grief cycle: Shock, Denial, Anger And Guilt, Despair And Depression and Acceptance.
I know in my head he's dead. I was there when it happened. I felt him cold. I was there when the doctor certified him. I was there when the undertakers came to take him. But in my heart I can't believe it. We spent so long working to avoid it, nursing him through one chest infection after the other, through one course of treatment after the other. He can't really be gone. We can't really have failed. He must be here somewhere.
It is like waves on the shore. The realisation crashes in on you, then there is a period of numbed calm whilst the next wave draws itself up before breaking over you.