Generally calm today. Visited a friend as I occasionally did when the boy was in hospital and I had the morning off. But then came the smack in the face of the visit to the funeral directors. Horrible having to get together shirt and trousers for the boy's funeral. Prepare a last vest and get a clean trachy nose. No socks or shoes as he never liked them.
Felt sick as I walked there past a park we went to only a month ago and where he asked for a bike for his birthday. I knew then that it was unlikely I would have to deliver on the promise. But the finality of it still hurts. Watching with emptiness and yearning the kids playing on the climbing frame that the boy favoured. Unable now to go in the park - adults not allowed unless accompanied by a child. And I'm not a parent anymore.